Working With Men In Groups - part two

On Respecting Men and Their Ideas

Men are smart. How many men? All men. What keeps this from being more apparent? Most men, and women, have injuries in and around expressing their ideas.

Here again, should you feel "bumped" by another man's ideas, please sit with the feelings, and when you can, share this experience with the group. Also, try to limit your descriptions of these experiences to the nature of your reactions, excluding, as best you can, any negative assessments you may have made about the man whose ideas bumped you.

Know that the main goal of any and all men's work is to put "connecting to each other" ahead of "being right." Admittedly, this can be an elusive and difficult thing to do at times, especially for men. Even so, please have the courage to confine your differences to the "ideas" present, rather than to the "men" present. Translation: don't kill the messenger just because you don't like his message. We all have things to teach each other but only if we can connect.

On Physically Big Men

My friend John is a big man. Workshop after workshop, men admit being afraid of him. Can you imagine how separate and alone he feels?

Keep this in mind when you find yourself reacting to a bigger man because of his size. He feels the same things you do. The only difference is he feels them on the opposite end of aloneness.

On Loud Men

For years now, men have received approving responses from others for containing their loudness. Somehow, I think people feel safer when men contain themselves.

This is men's work. Be real. And if someone's loud expressions unnerve or frighten you, please ask the group for help.

Please know, I am not suggesting we should ignore how our expressions affect others, only that we should help each other to reclaim the natural enthusiasm and freedom of expression we were each born with.

On Men and Crying

Most boys, and men, get ridiculed for crying. The phrase, "be a man," comes immediately to mind.

If this has happened to you, please hear my voice trumpeting loudly and with love at those people who have told you this:

REAL MEN CRY.

Enough said.

On Men and Anger Release

All people, men and women alike, get angry inside. Most hold it in, though, rather than risk releasing it.

Is this an injury? In a sense, no, as it is simply human nature for people to get wounds in and around anger. After all, anger is one of the most basic, primary emotions. Thus, all of us have witnessed someone having difficulty with anger.

What is the most common difficulty people have with men who are angry? They fear them. Sadly, most people fail to recognize that their fear of anger is the real injury, not the men or the anger itself. In fact, feeling angry is pretty much always a part of healing processes.

Where does this leave men who heal in groups? With a very important task: learning to consciously witness other men being angry without going into shock.

What do men look like when they experience this shock? Sometimes, they look like "deer caught in a car's headlights." At other times, they look pretty similar to the man whose anger just frightened them, only in this case, they are simply "lashing out at the angry person" for frightening them rather than releasing what is often just a natural part of the healing process.

Whatever the case, most men's work involves men who release significant amounts of anger. If these releases frighten you, please do your best to simply sit with your fear during the man's work. Then, when there is time, please voice your fears about what just happened to you. And know this:

Rarely will there have been only one man who was afraid. If you are the one who speaks up, you may simply end up being the most courageous man of all.

On Being Afraid of Physically Small Men

In my grade school, the smallest boy happened to be the toughest boy. Logically, this may make no sense to many people.

With wounds, logic does not matter. Logic, in and of itself, does not make wounds. Only startlingly painful experiences wound people. Thus men may be wounded by anything and anyone; tall, short, thin, fat, young, old, dark or light.

Remember this when you have trouble understanding another man's pain.

And respect his process. No one can know what path this healing will take.

On Quiet Men

I recently led a men's workshop wherein a "Hell's Angels" type of man admitted to being most intimidated by the quietest man in the room. To put it mildly, I was surprised.

I mention this because I'm quite sure other men may feel the same way but be unable to admit this.

Again, just notice your reaction and then, without judgment, share the nature of your reaction with the group

On Hugs and Physical Exchanges in General

Many men have been beaten as boys; many as men as well. Also, some men have been sexually molested as boys. I was such a boy.

Please know then that although I now know how good it feels to be firmly held by another man, it took me many years before I could feel the love in such an act.

With this in mind, please be especially respectful of any man who finds physical touch uncomfortable. And if this is you, please let us know so we may be mindful of what you need.

On Leaving a Workshop

Learning is "state dependent." So is healing. And the only state in which these things occur is the state wherein you are connected to someone else.

Workshops, by design, connect people. Leaving workshops disconnects people. Nothing wrong here. This is just the nature of workshops.

Please try to remember this nature if you find yourself having trouble remembering or describing to someone else what you witnessed or did during the workshop.

Healing did happen. You just have to have been there and be currently connected to someone else who was also there in order to later have access to it, at least to the exact nature of what happened.

Frustrating? Perhaps. But this is what keeps me coming back for more. This and the chance to again witness men exchanging courage stories.

Steven Paglierani is a writer, teacher, personality theorist, and therapist whose work on learning and human consciousness is read weekly by thousands all over the world. He is the author of Emergence Personality Theory, and his mission is to make the world better for children by restoring and deepening their love of learning.

He can be read or reached at his site, http://theEmergenceSite.com

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